Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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