my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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