My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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