i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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