I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Randomize
