Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
