We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
