On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
