You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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