Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize