So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
