I want to have your abortion
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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