Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize