The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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