My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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