Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
