Acid is not a monday night drug
well most of my day revolves around power hour
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
