Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize