I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
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