I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
