my soul wont recognize me after tonight
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
