Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize