True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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