See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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