I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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