considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
