I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
