I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
