Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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