Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
ttyl tear gas
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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