Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
