I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you traded sex for a burrito?
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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