I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
