so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
