Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
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