you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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