Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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