Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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