I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I look better un-naked...
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
