Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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