I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
