someone threw a dead crab at me
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
