I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize