So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize