so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
