You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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