He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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