I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
whose ass print is on the piano?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
