so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
