Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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