One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
