Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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