Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
