His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
