I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
