my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize