i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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