she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize