We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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