I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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