I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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