Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
