Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
