Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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