After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
