i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
